Movie – The Three Musketeers

This is one of my favourite stories so unless someone I’m unable to abide is on the screen, I’ll always watch. In this case, I don’t know anyone on the screen, except Mr Bloom, although I recognise some faces. I’m pretty sure I saw Jonathan Ross’ face on one of the posters. The movie is that comical, it wouldn’t have surprised me if they’d cast Wossy.

So taking away from the fact that this bares little resemblance to historical facts – after all they have air ships doing battle in the skies and over usage of guns rather than just the traditional swords – this is fresh take on the children’s classic. The Musketeers are now at a loose end, with no cause to fight for, so are looking for action.

Its 105 minutes of escapism if you can bare the annoying use of slow motion in the fight scenes and the predictable script; I feel like I’ve heard it all before and then realise they are pillaging lines from films left right and centre.

Its The Musketeers meets Pirates, if you like that sort of thing.


Smile factor 7½/10


Movie – The Battle of Warsaw 1920

I mainly saw this because it was on at 3.15, a near perfect time for me as far as going to the cinema is concerned and it didn’t have anyone in it that I don’t enjoy watching. Not because I’m a fan of war films in particular.

Two striking story lines about this film:

  • ·         The lead character has (approximately) nine lives
  • ·         He survives several armies

Everyone who ever attacked poor Poland, inconveniently situated on the route to the much sought after Germany, are featured; Red Army, Bolsheviks and I think another one. One put him to work and another helped him escape. The other unfortunately, he did have to fight.

The underlying love story – there has to be one – is a little inevitable but I’d have been distraught if the newly we couple hadn’t found each other again. (not really a spoiler)

That said, it must be a decent film as I didn’t reach for the cinema sweets –  dolly mixtures, as you ask – although that may have something to do with the ¾ of Peyton & Byrne Coconut & Raspberry cake that I scoffed with a mug of coffee before I went in.


Smile factor 7/10


Movie – Cowboys & Aliens

I’m not a huge fan of either Harrison Ford or Daniel Craig or of alien movies so it’s just the ‘Cowboy’ that got me into see this. That and the absolute silliness I expect.

I’m pretty sure I don’t need to explain the plot; it starts promisingly with the sparks about to fly superbly between the Ford and Craig characters (disappointedly, neither plays an alien) but they pretty soon are fighting on the same side, to save the world from the aliens of course.

Which brings me on to the main criticism, the aliens? Firstly because they are so obvious and secondly they are bought in too early. I would have thought leaving their guise to our imagination for the best part of the film would have made up for the lack of expected Ford/Craig banter.

I do like a good western though and I just kept seeing my all time fave, Young Guns 11 through this. Wouldn’t it have been great if it was the original Young Guns cast – now all grown up – fighting against the aliens?

The film is worth seeing though just because it’s so utterly daft.


Smile factor 8/10

Movie – The Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Yes I love apes and anything belonging to the Ape family but having watched the TV series as a wide-eyed youngster, the Tim Burton re-make of the 1960s film didn’t entice me into the cinema.

When I was in single digits, a human talking from inside an ape costume was still impressive but now, I expect more and quite frankly, I expect film makers to have actually taught apes to talk. With this the apparent prequel, what happens in the setting of modern day San Francisco is our leading ape, Caesar is taught sign language.

The story is of a well-meaning scientist, Will Rodman (James Franco) experimenting on apes to find a way of healing brain disorders in humans.  He has a particular interest in this project as his own father is wasting away with Alzheimer’s but before he can get the medication to him, the apes cause havoc in the lab and the project is pulled and the apes put down. All but one, the newborn, Caesar.

Caesar is taken home partly for his own safety and Rodman continues his work to positive results until one day Caesar is taught about his past and eventually, wanting to go outside, causes havoc protecting Rodman senior (John Lithgow). He is taken to a sanctuary AKA ape prison and for the first time realises where he comes from and [edits out 218 unnecessary words] hence the eventual uprising.

I so want to live in a world where apes live in our homes, come to coffee shops, play football etc etc. I really don’t understand why this isn’t so.


I’m looking forward to the next instalment.


Smile factor 9.5/10 

Movie – The Expendables

The story so far

The story line did not have a bearing in my decision to watch this film.

This is what did;

Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Willis.

Rourke is a bonus.

When I unintentionally see the trailer, I realise what I thought would be a throwaway film full of one liners and in-jokes is in fact a fairly serious action film

The basic story is that Sly Stallone leads a group of what appear to be mainly ex-army men who hire themselves out for various jobs. This time, they are hired by – let’s call him, Mr Church, to depose an army general of faraway land.

Stallone goes with his right man, played by Jason Statham in his usual role to check out the job and inevitably go back to do the job. Many many many people die, there are tons of explosions, a few car crashes and all the expected action scenes but spectacularly shot.

What I love is that none of the usual bad cliques are in the film, but all the good ones are. Of course the best moment is the 60 seconds that the mighty Schwarzenegger, Willis & Stallone are in the same scene. It’s completely thrilling and all I want from the film.

Of course it would be great if there were more scenes like this and I’m surprised there isn’t a bigger role for Willis seeing as he’s still an action actor.

Mickey Rourke does have a larger part although not in action mode, more in Mickey Rourke mode. Now in retirement, he’s a tattooist and a central point for the guys to meet and add to their body collection. I’m really pleased he’s in the film and Terry Crews is a fantastic addition to the action gang.

I’ve never been a fan and I’m stunned that Stallone is a talented film maker. This is how all action movies should be made.

Sequel? I hope so perhaps next time with larger roles for the action movie trio.

8½/10    Smile factor 10/10

Movie – Knight and Day

Dull as ****

I should have known better as these are two of my least favourite actors although Tom Cruse redeemed himself by being in one of all time favourites, The Last Samurai, Cameron Diaz never has.

Have you ever walked out of a movie?