Journal – March 13th 2010

(Forgive me for the length, sometimes I just write to document whatever I’m going through for myself)

Shattered.
My heart is shattered

Not broken but as you know, the BF and I have not spoken since Valentines Day. If it stays as it is, our story will have ended on Valentines, supposedly, the most romantic of days.

Last year the BF went to great lengths to make it the perfect Valentines, considering neither of us are the Valentine type, we certainly acknowledge the day. I didn’t feel it important enough for one of us to fly on a 6000 mile round trip journey to spend it together, seeing as we’d just spent the best time we’d ever had together seven weeks ago (or so I thought) and in the grand scheme of things, it’s pretty low on my list of priority together days:
1. My birthday
2. Our anniversary (Dec 26th)
3. Christmas day
4. Thanksgiving
5. His birthday (he doesn’t celebrate)
6. July 4th
7. Superbowl Sunday
8. Maybe I’d tuck Valentines before New Years Eve as I don’t celebrate that at all.

Maybe it was easier because we were together last Valentines and had only been dating for six weeks but I did love the gestures; the single rose waiting for me on the passenger seat after we enjoyed a late lunch, the tickets for a sold out Casablanca showing with a surprise champagne reception afterwards, complete with teeny tiny cup cakes, the rest of the dozen roses waiting for me at home and the heart shaped version of the cakes we’d had the week before as a late night snack.

So after all that, how hard is it to send a card (although he doesn’t know my address) or even an email – he is a writer after all.

On the day, I got a Happy V-Day transatlantic text in response to mine, that’s something you send to your buddies I thought, not to your girlfriend on your second ‘V’ day. I got a couple more texts checking on the time I had planned to call him that day so I felt certain that all was wonderfully normal still.

He’d already emailed me a couple of days ago to thank me for the cards & gift certificate for his new local coffee shop although he hadn’t received one of his Valentines presents (Skype headset with a card ‘You can call me anytime’, still at the post office to be collected). He hadn’t ‘got round’ to listening to the track I’d bought as download and put it onto a CD for him. (Tom Jones – ‘We Got Love’ – I haven’t been able to listen to that CD again and it hadn’t been of the deck for over a year before hand)

Standing by my agreement not to buy him too much/do too much for him, these were just little practical gifts, more thought than £££ and he seemed pleased so I can’t think this would have upset him. And I didn’t buy him anything for Christmas allowing him to ‘catch–up’ which he did by giving me three lovely presents over three festive days. He even gave me his own Dave Letterman book because he knew I would love it and sweetly asked if I wouldn’t mind re-gifting it back to him one day.

I had an email a couple of days after Valentines as was usual and then nothing.
This is when I got fed up of chasing and in hind sight; I wish I had just called him as usual.

I did try to call the week after on impulse to share a happy moment but there was no answer. That happens, if he’s not able to pick up and not expecting my call but often he texts to say when he’s free. I have no idea how he knows it’s me though as I didn’t think the number showed.

I then sent a curt email to see when he was coming to visit as during the Valentines conversation, he’d told me he couldn’t make Easter. ‘Don’t know’ was the reply 2 days later.

It seems so wrong that after a year of being in a ‘black hole’, my normal positive, happy self has just started to emerge and I was looking forward to sharing all my good news with him. More good stuff has happened in last month than the whole of the last year. It’s even time to make the USA Embassy appointment – I was just waiting so it didn’t clash with his visit here – so I’ve surrounded myself with a wave of optimism once again.

It pains me not to be able to share the good times with him, as he’s gone through 12 months of me not being myself although perhaps he may not have noticed as he sure was a pick-me-up.

A week or so later, I email him a funny link with a sweet email about looking forward to having him back in my world when he’s ready. The obligatory two days later I receive a reply; the travelling around the world and [coping with his every day demons] (I paraphrase madly) has reached its limit.
That was it. That’s my response.

Of course I emailed straight back to say I’d love it if we could talk. No contact so far and he hasn’t taken my call. That was a week ago.

Does he think that just not contacting me after Valentines will mean I’ll forget him? Apart from the fact that he has all my important worldly goods in his house, how on earth am I supposed to do that? And have I really gone four decades before having my heart broken for the first time?

He’s never seemed the type to meet someone else and then feel guilty, although he does seem guilty.
Or it could be the expense of air line tickets, remembering New Yorkers never leave New York so don’t have a holiday budget like we Brits do. That’s an easily solvable issue if his pride can take it.
Or he could just be going through that crazy phrase like he did after the October trip and decided it was all too much and then he ‘woke up’ as he told me during our lovely Christmas holiday in Montreal. And that’s why I came into 2010 brimming with confidence over our future, both together and individually.

Now, I have had to put away all the things that remind me of him, photos certainly but also things he has bought me, especially the outfit for Christmas which I love so much and have managed to wear once since. I really wanted to tell him I wore it on the first day of my new job – I was saving it for an occasion after all.

I’ve also made so many plans around him, not because he asked me to but because I wanted to; I’ve taken
on a new 12 month commitment and doubled my phone allowance so I can call him more often. I have committed to a spacious flat by myself so there’s more room when he comes over. When I went to view, I saw him in every room of that place knowing he would love it. I would never have done that otherwise and now, like when I came back from the US, is certainly not a good time to live on my own, as much as I am looking forward to the privacy.

And I’ve taken on a permanent job as well as my freelancing for more financial stability. I’ve worked all my holidays around him rather than going of to whichever far flung place I felt like.
And I don’t mind any of it. Not one jot. I just want the BF back in my world, where we belong together.

I’m distraught but I have to have faith. I have to ‘wake’ him up.

Our story cannot end like this when we make such a good team and for someone who never wanted to be in a ‘team’, I adore being in this one.

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