Dating at the City

The aim is to get people dating.

Dating the old fashioned way, meeting in a bar, a coffee shop, a museum or at the cinema. All we need to do is get you all in a room together More info

LuvDrop or Internet dating

Dating in the City

Birmingham  daters, which do you prefer?

 

 

 

 

♥       You’ll know that the people coming to LuvDrop are single; the rest is all there to be discovered

•  Online, you know all their likes and dislikes and have already made up your mind about them

♥        With face to face meetings, you meet the true personality with no place to hide

• With internet dating you will only read the person’s CV and that’s just what they want you to know

♥        At LuvDrop events, you may find yourself liking someone who on paper would have been on you ‘no’ list

• With internet dating you will reject everyone that doesn’t conform to your wish list

More about Luvdrop

Would like to meet: The truth about internet dating

As published in the Independent

Internet dating may be all rainbows in the adverts, says Rhodri Marsden. But the truth is that many more hearts are broken than matches made

In 1966, The Supremes explained to us that you can’t hurry love. Sixteen years later Phil Collins concurred: “You just have to wait,” he sang, additionally noting that love don’t come easy. Those words of wisdom still apply, and particularly so if you’re one of those participating in the seemingly eternal worry-go-round of internet dating. 

The adverts for such services, featuring blissfully happy couples pushing each other on swings, would have us believe otherwise. eHarmony likes to stress how many members get married as a result of being matched via the service (236 every day, according to data gathered in the US in 2008.) Match.com did a survey last year indicating that an impressive 58,500 people found a partner on the site over a 12-month period – and they still offer a six-month guarantee of “finding love”, albeit underlined (understandably) by a 500-word list of conditions.

And we’re suckers for all this. When Time Out magazine recently ran a cover story offering free online dating for every reader, it was dangling a huge metaphorical carrot. We all want to be loved, after all.

But you rarely hear from those who, having failed to find a partner online, back away from the computer shaking their heads at the way the process distorts social conventions and leaves you slightly shell-shocked. Those 58,500 lucky members of match.com were vastly outnumbered by the 286,000 unlucky ones. Yes, anecdotes of hair-raising internet dates have become dinner-party staples – you know, like “he turned up wearing a toolbelt and immediately burst into tears” – and many were collected in a book published earlier this year. But what about the mental strain? The plunge in self-esteem when your ideal partner remains as elusive as a taxi on New Year’s Eve?

A quick disclosure: I have a couple of dating profiles online. It’s not going that well. But this isn’t therapy masquerading as a self-pitying article by some bloke in his late-thirties – well, not much, anyway. I’ve got a number of friends and acquaintances who share my feelings about the way online dating plays fast and loose with your emotions.

These people are relatively undamaged and sane, without many skeletons in their cupboards. Some of them are model-like in their beauty, rapier-like in their wit or both. All of them have approached internet dating with the most honourable of intentions: they’re lured by the promise of romance, be it jazz and croissants on Sunday morning, or leaping out of a plane strapped to someone nice. Whatever.

They’d just like somebody, but somebody hasn’t shown up.The search for love in any context is a lottery, of course. The odds are stacked Jenga-like against us. What are the chances of two compatible people turning up in the same place at the same time? Internet dating is meant to tip those odds in our favour – and it can work, of course it can. But the people I’ve spoken to who’ve been bruised by it are unanimous as to why that happened. They believe it’s a problem inherent to the process. So if you’re doing it, and you’re feeling down, don’t worry. It’s not you.

Well, it might be. But it most likely isn’t.Adam: “It’s blackly comic: we all say we’re fun-loving, up for a laugh, just seeing how things go – when everyone knows that we’re all on a dating site because, to varying extents, we’re lonely.”Internet dating pivots around profiles; lists of attributes, paragraphs where you attempt to make yourself sound appealing, a handful of flattering photographs. But there’s already a problem. Dozens of books and websites offer advice on how to write profiles; third-party services even charge 40 quid to save you the bother.

As a result, the uniformity is hilarious. Everyone loves travelling, particularly to Machu Picchu – which, if the profiles are to be believed, is an Inca site swarming with thousands of backpacking singletons. Men are singularly obsessed with skiing. All of us love to curl up on the sofa with a bottle of wine and a DVD (or a VD, as one unfortunately misspelled profile said).The vernacular of online dating makes everyone sound the same. Rather than reflecting what we’re like, it reflects what we think other people want – because we’re trying to appeal to as many people as possible. Men will lie about their height, men and women will lie about their age, some people even upload photos of other people and pretend it’s them. It doesn’t correlate with real life.

And once you realise this, internet dating suddenly feels as random as approaching strangers in a car park and asking them if they fancy you. Which, believe me, is never a good idea.

Ruth: “I don’t want someone like me. Why on earth would I want someone like me?”Searching for a partner online has inevitable similarities to searching for a product. Computer algorithms have the herculean task of returning a perfect match from its database based on our own vaguely truthful submissions, and such copper-bottomed compatibility guarantees as whether both parties are fond of cats.Our natural impulse, encouraged by the way these websites work, is to seek people who like the same things as us. But while I wouldn’t want to date someone who gets a kick out of attending far-right political rallies, it’s certainly true that opposites can attract. I went out with a wonderful woman for seven years who loved Barbra Streisand. I can’t stand Babs. In a relationship these kind of things aren’t an issue, but internet dating makes them into one. After all, when I meet someone in real life that I like, I tend not to say, “Hi, I’m Rhodri, and here’s a list of food I don’t like eating.” The rules of attraction are just too complex to be held in a database and analysed by a computer.

Thomas: “The idea that someone likes to spend weekends mountain biking or, I dunno, shaving lions – that’s the kind of thing that would send me up the nearest bell tower with a sniper rifle.”But we’re forced to filter the mass of potential datees, and we do it savagely. We start to adopt a power-shopping mentality, disregarding people for arbitrary reasons; as my friend Sam put it, we cruise past people’s pictures as if they’re caravans in Daltons Weekly. “Yeah, no, no, yeah – ooh, yes! – no, no, ugh.” It’s a compelling, but ultimately exhausting, process that these services have adapted, refined and streamlined because it’s a brilliant way for them to make money. While a service might lure you with a strapline saying “Meet sexy singles in your area”, the truth is more like, “Reject perfectly decent singles in your area while waiting for the maddeningly elusive sexy ones.” Everyone is trading off current opportunities against future possibilities. In a thoughtful moment, you might even realise there are people you’ve had relationships with in the past who, if they appeared as an online match, you might reject. And when you’re the one being rejected, it can hurt.

Charlotte: “It’s a brutalising process. You join thinking you’ll be nice and civilised and honest with people, but once people don’t reply to your emails, you start doing the same to other people.”Rejection may be a strong word to use. It doesn’t approach the horror of being told by a partner that they don’t love you any more. But despite our inclination to present ourselves as optimistic – verging on an almost deranged bubbliness, in some cases – we enter the process on the back foot. We’re not part of a couple, and we may have hang-ups about our attractiveness. Suddenly, every unreciprocated gesture hurts way more than it should. Unreplied-to messages sit in the “sent” folder as a grim reminder of your failure to connect with someone, almost prompting you to fire off another message saying “What’s the problem? What’s wrong with me?” So we have to develop a thick skin. But, you know, having a thick skin is overrated. Thin skin is just fine. It’s just that thin skin isn’t compatible with internet dating.

Francesca: “It’s also a horrible feeling knowing that there are potentially a lot of other people in competition with you. It’s like being in a deck of Top Trumps cards – what are my stats? What is it about me that might or might not trump someone else?”If you live in a city, the seemingly inexhaustible array of potential beaus strewn across these websites is part of the appeal. But that very abundance is also why the rapid cycle of rejection can feel so disheartening.

“Plenty more fish in the sea” isn’t just a well-meaning phrase uttered by a kindly relative after you’ve been dumped. Internet dating presents you with rock-solid evidence. Thousands of them, right there, smiling at you. (Except me. I’m kind of glumly staring at you, which may be one of the reasons why I haven’t done so well.)Long-term internet dating participants know only too well, however, the cycle of knock-back followed by a speedy return to the site in search of someone else. You start seeing the same faces across multiple sites, and some people (especially men) will start to play the percentage game, firing off multiple cut-and-paste emails in the hope that someone will reply. One friend of mine was even sent a cheery message of introduction from a man who she had already had a disastrous date with via another dating website. 

Richard: “But you getthat thrill when someone responds. For a short time you’re on top of the world – and that’s followed by a low point. It’s like a fast-working drug with a terrible come-down.” It’s an addictive process, there’s no doubt about it. There are a couple of reasons for this. One is the burst of elation associated with a stranger suddenly deciding that you’re attractive, amusing, a good prospect. New members on these sites receive a flood of attention that can be exhilarating. As one friend said to me, there was a time when she felt like the most popular woman in the country. After a while, though, you develop a more realistic view of the thing. You realise that, for example, the match.com “guarantee” isn’t so much a guarantee as a hard-headed business decision based on probability and likely cost. But the knowledge that it’s working out for some 17 per cent of members brings hope, and makes you loath to pack it in.The other undeniable reason: with options dwindling as you get older and friends start families, giving up on internet dating feels like giving up on love altogether. But sticking at it can seem to reinforce your single status.

Sarah: “Internet dating is essentially a lot of single people, of varying degrees of loneliness, blundering around with their arms out hoping to bump into someone.” Sarah’s right. In that sense, it’s not much different to real life. It’s the usual random process of love-seeking, but cleverly tarted up with psychometric testing and percentage matching and with a monthly fee slapped on it. I suppose it works out cheaper than going out every night and keeping your fingers crossed. But if it’s not working for you, do take heart from me – and from Thomas, Pip, Catherine, Charlotte, Matthew, Steph, Sian, Francesca, Sam, Vanessa, Richard, another Richard, Jane, Adam, Juliet, Tim, Michelle, Sarah, Courtney, Michael, Helen, Vicki, Claire, Saj, Juliet, Stuart and Ruth, all of whom contacted me to get their feelings off their chests.We’re not bitter. If anything, recognising the improbability of finding the perfect internet date makes participating a lot easier. In fact, we’re all magnificently well-adjusted. Maybe I should start trying to match us all up…

LuvDrop or Internet dating

LuvDrop v Internet dating

♥       You’ll know that the people coming to LuvDrop are single; the rest is all there to be discovered

• Online, you know all their likes and dislikes and have already made up your mind about them

♥       With face to face meetings, you meet the true personality with no place to hide

• With internet dating you will only read the person’s CV and that’s just what they want you to know

♥        At LuvDrop events, you may find yourself liking someone who on paper would have been on you ‘no’ list

• With internet dating you will reject everyone that doesn’t conform  to your wish listLuvDrop events

Having Unprotected Sex with HIV

Who cares if you’re famous…

A member of German girl band No Angels is facing imprisonment in Germany because she knowingly infected a man with HIV. Read more as published on Powder Room Graffiti

LuvDrop or Speed dating?

 

↓ You have to stop talking to someone even if you like them and by the time you see them next time, they’ll be talking to someone else

♥  You can talk to someone all night with LuvDrop. There is no timer on you.

↓  Host is there to seat you, administrate the evening and make you pair off

♥  Hosts are there for you; to make  introductions, to help you feel comfortable and confident

↓ Anyone can go to speed dating events, un-vetted, single or not

♥  LuvDrop host invitation only events for members who have applied to join

↓ You have to exchange numbers there and then if you want to see anyone again. Everyone at speed dating will know numbers get exchanged so no-one will feel special

♥  If you’re don’t want to hand over your phone no straight away, you can email another member later – or we can get in touch for you

More info about LuvDrop: Dating in the City

LuvDrop Membership

What your membership means

• Invitations to exclusive LuvDrop events
• As a member you can email other single members
• Every event will have two hosts to introduce you to other members and make you feel comfortable
• Qualify for the rewards scheme that repays your loyalty
• Invitations to special city social events

and so much more

Luvdrop – a new enterprise

In case I haven’t mentioned, just wanted to let you know about a new enterprise I’ve started.

What
There are plenty internet dating sites around. LuvDrop is not one of them.
LuvDrop is not about finding Mr or Mrs Right, although that may come along later. LuvDrop is about encouraging people to date again. The only criteria is to be single.

Put simply, we use modern technology (MeetUp, Twitter, FB) to enable single people to be in a room together. Thereafter, we introduce them and let nature take its cause.

It’s like we’re holding a small party and have invited our single friends to it. Naturally we introduce them to each other, make sure they are comfortable and have a drink in hand and are not left alone for any length of time.
Ahead of time, we’ll make sure they have plenty of notice, know where they are going and provide them with contact details.

Why
There is no dating scene to speak of in Birmingham or maybe I’m just spoilt by spending so much time in New York. In any case, a friend and I were talking about this one day and a few weeks later, we decided to start LuvDrop.

When
The first event is planned for October 12th
All the events will be Monday to Thursday around 8pm or possibly during weekend daytimes. There will be no events on the busy Friday or Saturday unless it’s a special occasion. 8pm starts allow people to go home, get ready and present themselves in the dress code of ‘first date’!

Where
At nice venues around Birmingham city centre where we can have a private corner but not necessarily tucked away from the rest of the customers. After all, LuvDrop is about enabling people to get out and start dating again.

How
By membership.
We’ll accept members by application and then we’ll ask for a token membership fee. We only want to include intelligent, professional and mature men and women who will show respect to their fellow other members.

Who
This is run jointly by me and my business partner Darren Hawkins. We will both host each event and each be available to assist members by email and face to face. Our job is to make them feel welcome and introduce them to the others, just like good hosts do.

I’d really love to know about any experience you’ve had generally in the dating arena. Please comment here or drop me a line at rickie@luvdrop.com

Link to article on The Business Desk

Bed Buddies (as published on Powder Room Graffiti)

I’m unable to understand why they – whoever ‘they’ are – say that women can only have un-emotional sex. Translation: A woman has to really like a guy to sleep with him, or if it’s a drunken accident, then the woman really wants it to develop into something more.

Who’s Zooming Who (as published on Powder Room Graffiti)_

My rant is published on Powder Room Graffiti. I preferred my original title though, Who’s Zooming Who.

Bar etiquette in the age of serial dating
by Rickie J (Wed Feb 03, 2010)

I have been in New York a week and this is my first date. I’m dressed low key as it’s my first date in a few years but I’m equally nervous and nonchalant. So maybe that’s why I don’t initially notice but about half way through the welcoming glass of something cold, white and dry, I realise what’s happening in the bar.

Read more

Men Are Studs, Women are…

Cougar, the latest media tag for older successful ladies dating and indulging much younger men has got me thinking about the differences in labels bestowed on men and women.

Stud; dictionary definition: stud horse, stallion, for the purpose of breeding
Slut; a dirty, slovenly woman, an immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute

I rest my case right here; ‘stud’ sounds positive, unambiguous and smacks of glamour, wealth, popularity and generally something out of a Jilly Cooper novel. ‘Slut’ is clearly derogatory, sounds negative and not at all glamorous. Men who bed hop are treated by their fellow men as heroes and women are regarded as virtually prostitutes and if they are gold diggers, then they pretty much are. Even women are generally more forgiving of men who sleep around. Is it because they don’t carry the risk of pregnancy or because it’s just plain un-ladylike behaviour?

Rich; having possessions, wealthy, of value, moneyed.
Cougar; large powerful wild cat.

Let me tell you a story; the classic tale of a young woman on the rise who meets a millionaire, millionaire marries woman, ‘what first attracted you to your millionaire husband?, woman gets tired of roving eye and/or hands and waking up next to a greying, overweight whale and seeks divorce, has huge settlement, man marries a younger, thinner version of woman and woman who is now upgraded to millionaire status marries a billionaire. Everyone lives happily ever after although it sounds like a demanding day job to me.

Cougar, the name given to the older and wealthier woman who goes out with the younger man on the rise paints the picture of a predator on the prowl. The similarity with the older male scenario is that the relationship is not expected to last forever. The difference, however, is that neither party are expecting it to lead to marriage anyway. It’s a short-term pick-me-up and the woman gets what she wants, albeit at a literal cost. The old Mrs Robinson label is kinder and there was no money involved, just the attraction and compatibility of a woman in her prime with a man who can keep up. I can’t imagine not loving and wanting sex no matter my age so how do I find a man to keep up unless I go ten or so years younger? If so there is the whole lack of intelligence/world wisdom issue to deal with.

Gigolo; A man who is hired as an escort or a dancing partner for a woman, A man who has a continuing sexual relationship with and receives financial support from a woman.
Doesn’t it sound glamorous? Choosing the ladies he ‘escorts’, going to fancy parties with beautiful women, having sex and getting paid for it, handsomely.
Hooker a person or thing that hooks, prostitute, an old worn-out or clumsy ship
Doesn’t it sound glamorous? Street corners, violence, drugs and desperately having sex with any Tom, Dick or Harry because she has to pay the rent or for the drug habit. Adding ‘high class’ in front of ‘hooker’ doesn’t make it any less cheap.

Bachelor; happily single unmarried man, a male animal that does not mate during the breeding season, youthful knight, a degree.
Spinster; a woman still single, unmarried beyond the usual age of marrying
My favourite. Are there any songs about ‘Bachelor Girls’ or do we have bachelorette pads? Enough said.
Technically I’m a divorcee and I’ve insisted on calling my apartment a bachelor pad for some time but I feel I’m alone in that. Even degrees are called ‘bachelor’. ‘Still single’ implies you are waiting for that status to change, which is absolutely fine if you are. A bachelor is usually quoted to imply that the man has escaped the clutches of a soul sapping woman. Well if that’s how the bachelor views a loving, warm and fun relationship; no wonder he’s STILL single!

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Meetup Saved My Life (as published by Powder Room Graffiti)

I knew New York well but this was the first time I had gone for weeks, possibly months, to focus on writing and take a few classes. I was leaving my cherished network of solid friends behind me so I needed guidance and support. I needed to know the real deal, not the tourist info. I needed friends.

One of my buddies recommended Meetup, a website that allows you to join groups anywhere in the world with whom you have something in common. It’s still relatively new to the UK but in New York, where Meetup HQ is located, there is a fantastic array of suitable groups. It was as simple as popping my favourite things into the search box and before I knew it I was a member of the Expats group, New in Town, New York Brunch club, Live Music group, Jazz club, NY Pubs group, English Premier League Football group, and Cupcake group………Almost immediately I was getting invited to events East Side, West Side and Downtown via my home page.

Initially, I decided on an ‘Expats evening’ and invited my new roommate along as a cushion. We were pleasantly surprised on entering Taj on 21st Street; firstly, because it was full and secondly there was a combination of no less than three other groups besides my fellow expats.

Initially, I was surprised there were no formal introductions or ice breakers, after all, couldn’t I just walk into any bar and make friends? I was, however, thrilled with the numbers of people that were just coming right up and politely introducing themselves. Then it dawned on me, of course, people were here to make new friends so there were self-introductions aplenty. That’s what’s so great about Meetup. We met many new people at this first event and it gave me the confidence to go to more gatherings.

Next, I RSVP-ed to join the Live Music group and hooked up with the organiser, Mike, at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Annex. I met fellow music fan and Deborah Harry lookalike, Susan from the Bronx and we chatted effortlessly about all the obscure bands that none of our non-music friends have heard of. I loved meeting fellow writers and creative types at the Writing Group which took me all the way to 207th St and therefore has the distinction of the furthest North I have ever been. But the best was Uptown Downtown; Ladies take Manhattan, run by the effervescent Sarah, which was the delightful habitat of a number of animated, sparkling and diverse ladies.

I first met them for afternoon tea, at Alice’s Tea Cup, so I couldn’t help but enjoy what is my best meal to date in the city. I sat between Carol, the Harlem school teacher by day, sex crazed Upper East Side Princess by night and Susan, the straight-laced New Jersey housewife, which made for an interesting afternoon. After the scrumptious meal we all walked out with a box of goodies ‘to go’ and nearly a year later and an ocean apart, Sarah and I are still friends.

Meetup allows you to contact other members safely via the site and then make arrangements to meet up. Whilst browsing members before deciding to join a Cinema group, I was intrigued by the following profile; ‘I miss having close, long-lasting friendships, since this is such a transient city. I’m looking to make friends with amazing, dependable women, who are into more than shopping, bags and hair.’ I was able to contact Katy from New Jersey safely, and we went on to visit the cinema many times and have become firm friends.

I have met loads of folks, been to new places and made some new friends, all of which helped to make my stay in New York full of adventure, fun and camaraderie. I even met my boyfriend at a Meetup Christmas party and we’re presently enjoying a romantic, transatlantic relationship, 10 months after meeting.

So Meetup really did save my life – well, my social life at least.
Published by Powder Room Graffiti

Social Meltdown in New York

(Serial dating)

For a city where everyone, I mean everyone seems to be obsessed with dating, why are there still so many single people?  Why have they not found each other yet?

According to Forbes, New York is the 8^th best city in the US to live if you are single although they admit it is the most expensive, a fact I can vouch for. San Francisco is 2^nd and Washington 5^th but I’m guessing there are more singles in those places for differing reasons. Dallas being 3^rd is an interesting proposition.

I’ve heard rumours about married people in New York but I have not met any. I’m pretty sure I have seen some.

Most of the single people I have met have mentioned married friends but they have not introduced me to them. In the 3 months I have been in New York, I have met just one recently married mother who came to a ladies meet up brunch to meet new friends. Perhaps they live in a parallel world and are never to meet.

In that time, none of the single ladies I have met have started dating someone that became their boyfriend. Not the crazy ones or the intelligent ones. And yet I have met quite a few men, dated the odd one or 2 and I’ve been seeing one for a few weeks.

It’s not that I have low standards, quite the opposite as I’m probably the only woman in New York not looking to settle into a relationship. I don’t see the need to date just for the sake of it but I just happened to have met people whom I enjoyed the company of.

One can only assume women in New York are looking for perfection. Not just to marry or have a long term relationship with but even just to say yes to a date. A single friend of mine put it down to the current ‘Me’ generation.

It seems to me that I can split New York ladies into two categories: Serial Daters and Non Daters.

Serial daters are desperate to find ‘the one’ but are they? If they were, would they not concentrate on one person at a time and give the relationship a chance to blossom?

I don’t think they know who ‘the one’ is. They don’t seem to have a wish list of what they want in a man, at least they don’t tell me but they sure come up with a lot of faults after 2-3 dates.

I’ve never heard one say they like someone but the feeling is not mutual, Un-requited love, or lust, must have happened to most of us at least once in a lifetime.

Don’t people have crushes any more?!

Mostly I find it strange when a New York woman professes her fondness for a man but continues to date other people. There are only 7 days in a week. Who has that kind of time?

If serial daters are not happy by themselves, then what have they got to offer someone else?

Are ‘desperate’ and ‘unhappy’ really qualities that will attract?

Who is going to tell them?

Non daters, on the other hand are tired of the dating scene which is especially of concern if they are under 30 when surely they should be out there having fun rather than thinking of settling down.

Some over 40 seem pretty keen to want to date and settle down but don’t seem to ever go on dates. With all these single men everywhere, how is that possible?

Furthermore, I’ve always thought that if a woman needs a man to make her happy, it means they are unhappy single. Why would anyone want an unhappy girlfriend who is so dependant on them for their happiness?

Surely men would prefer a little less dependence?

Published on Dating New York Style

Who’s Zooming Who?

Initially, I felt that everyone just seemed friendly towards me. Maybe I was a new face in an old bar in a crowded city where socially, frazzled folks welcomed adding another phone number to their already heaving, long lists.

I have always been told it’s rude to stare, a notion I still subscribe to. So why does it seem acceptable, in this, a crowded, downtown New York bar?

Just into my first, beautifully crafted glass of refreshingly chilled wine, I realised that all and sundry were looking at everyone else.  At no other time has the phrase ‘checking them out’ been more apt.

The blonde in the slim jeans tucked into boots, seemingly the uniform of the moment, was checking out the all-American denim guy. The all-American denim guy was checking out the petite Latino lady. The petite Latino lady was checking out everyone taller than her.

Who’s Zooming Who? I like the way the old Aretha track put it; literarily everyone seemed to be looking at everyone else.

I’m hoping time will prove me wrong and this is just the cynic in me and perhaps this behaviour is just prevalent in certain bars in particular neighbourhoods, but it smacks of desperation when everyone is looking over shoulders to see if anyone better has just walked in. What are they missing out on? Could they be the person of their dreams? Could they be missing out on a chance of happiness?

Yes, I know I would have had to been looking myself to have observed all this strange behaviour but I am a new face in a new town – just curious, innocent people-watching on my part.

Other than a couple of obvious Queens, with whom I exchanged cursory glances and delightful banter with, this was the West Village after all, I was here solely to be acquainted with one person.  I gave up just a few hours of my life to be here. I have the other 164 hours in the week to see other people, do other things, go other places.

Is it too much to ask of New Yorkers to concentrate on one person at a time?

Published on Dating New York Style

November 9^th 2008

To Pay or Not To Pay

This one may be controversial but …..

No wonder people think dating in New York is so complicated and tiresome. It seems to me that women expect men to pay for them and men expect to pay. Why is this? 

If you expect someone else to pay for you, isn’t it just saying ‘I’m not clever enough to earn my own money’?

If the man is doing the paying, does it not bring back the argument that men then have to earn more if they are to pay for women too? In which case women cannot demand or expect equal pay.

How far back are women going to go? Do we want to vote? Do we want to work? Do we want to be able to ask for our own drink at the bar? Do we want to be able to wear trousers?

Yes really!  I remember going to a bar for lunch with my male boss when working in Fleet Street, London in the late 1980’s. Luckily I was wearing a skirt suit, as is my personal preference, as not only did they not serve women at the bar, they didn’t like women wearing trousers! I never went back but I’m guessing that they soon moved into the 20^th Century as had most places in the UK by then.

So in 2009 New York, what do women do with their own money if they’re not paying for themselves? I think spending it on the wrong things (excessive plastic surgery and ‘medical’ spa visits spring to mind).

Don’t get me wrong, I believe chivalry is all well and good. Politeness costs nothing and should be expected from everyone, both sexes. Offering to pay is chivalrous, again from both parties, but being expected to pay is a different issue.

There’s the argument that whoever asks for the date should pay. This should work as after the first or second date, surely both parties will be making suggestions as to where to go so all will be square.

I believe some women disguise the desire for men to pay for them by declaring, perhaps sub-consciously, that they are old fashioned, or traditional. Do they really they just want to give up work? I’m surprised they have time for work anyway if they are too busy serial dating in desperation looking for ‘the one’!

If they are that old fashioned, are they going to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping and looking after the house? I think not.

I heard the most ridiculous argument the other day; women expect the men to pay because they spend the most money on grooming themselves for dates, to look good for men.

That is stretching the imagination to the extreme.

I do like to make an effort not just for men but because I like to look my best. Last time I looked, there were plenty of choices on where to buy clothes and makeup and spas etc are optional. Women looked good before L’Oreal’s, ‘Because I’m worth it’ slogan came along and I believe there was a much higher ratio of successful marriages in decades gone buy. Yes we are worth it. So do we really want to share our lives with a man who is so shallow that looks are so high on the agenda?

The one issue that throws the argument out is if one person earns/has considerably more than the other. They are going to have a higher living standard and not going to lower it so are more likely to treat their date to places they are happy to go to themselves.  

Doesn’t have to always be that way though.

Published on Dating New York Style

November 25^th 2008